If you have a mental disorder. If you have a physical disorder. If you have had a bad day. If you are tired and lost and frustated and angry. If you are anxious and confused. If you are sick and everything sucks.
If you think reading this right now will assure you ‘it’s going to be okay,’ I hope you know it’s going to be not okay again too, then good, then worse, and there’s no knowing how it ends.
For this reason perhaps, when I’m at my happiest, when living in the moment feels like eternal joy, sometimes I wish forever and sometimes death—not in the grim way. I think ‘if I die in this moment right now, I’ll die happily.’ And on unhappy days, I sleep and lock the door to the home—the way many people in 21st century live. It’s a change for me as I prefer it open, door to the home is only meant to be locked at night.
I’m a cynic at my best. Gladly, I’m not at my best very often.
When a friend is unhappy, irritated, sad, I have no words to say. The way I could reassure needs a physical space: quietly in the same vicinity, eating ice cream, walking. Extending it to a voice or video call is manageable, however, in the new age of digital world, my reassurances do not exist; and so it becomes ignorance or indifference or misunderstanding at best.
My mind understands other’s pain, however, I do not feel it. How could I? If I said ‘I feel your pain,’ it will not be true. In all honesty, I have felt pain vicariously and if there was a choice to feel other’s pain, I would not want to. And I hope neither do you ever take anyone else’s pain. It, which feels to make relationships stronger, tends to grow into hate, trauma and reason to keep distance or eventually leave.
It is a biological feature needed for us to preserve.
Our unhappy days are ours only. I’m thankful anger and sadness are less contagious than happiness and excitement. It’s a wonderful way to think of body in this age of body positivity that on our toughest days, even at the edge of insanity, our body preserves us, keeps us safe. In ways, we cannot comprehend.
Therapy helps us, exercise supports us, medicine and health checkup make us better, and surgery saves lives. Yet I admire the mind the most, the cellular structure and neurons, which keeps us intact and sane.
I’m a cynic at my best. Today, I’m average and sentimental.
First published on 28 September 2023