Today is tomorrow. I feel cold even though I live in one of the most hot and humid cities in this country. I’m trying hard to keep myself from shaking.
Last few months, I have been doing things differently, and so I want to write this right now. I’m feeling breathless, numb, hollow, and so fucking weak. Yet the most terrible part of this is what she had to go through — me. I’ve been attending a funeral for so long I forget I’m still here and the death is still recent. I’m living on borrowed time and I can make no sense of why I have this time which is not mine to live for.
It is only tomorrow for timekeeper’s sake. For me, this has been forever.
In April of this year, I met my family — my parents and siblings — after 3 years. They looked normal, like all other parents and siblings, with their own quirks. My brother talks a lot, my sister is curious about everything going on in my life and maa and papa look old, tired, and yet so keen to bond with their son. I can probably win the ‘Worst Child of the Year’ award three times in a row but they do not care and treat me as normal. It does feel normal, a little off to be there because of whoever I am — a wiring issue in my brain — yet it’s okay to be there for a while.
I wanted to get my graduation certificate, it’s been 4 years, and so I will soon. I called friends from junior college over to this new home last month and they should come here in a couple of weeks. About 10 days ago, I met a friend at her place when she was sick and I met another friend, and call her a friend now, after getting a tattoo from her 2 years ago.
For a minute, I let myself believe my life is normal, at least I’m trying.
Good time to reminisce. When I was 23 and fell in love, I asked her out and she was happy I did until the relationship didn’t have the strength to carry us both. When I was 25 and I fell in love, I asked her out and she tried to be with me until she could not accept the person I am, with my low income, and broken relations.
I’m 28 now and I have a lot more emotional understanding and strength than when I was 23. I am in a good workplace and earn way better than when I was 25. I’m mending relations, I’m calling old friends, and being more open to talk than keep things in my head.
So when I met her and fell in love again, I carried hope of the years I’ve tried to become normal, what society can accept. It’s no joke to me that I’m far from that still but I could not wait or keep my heart away from her for another day. Every moment I spent around her, I talked and I talked so much and I held her as close as I could because I constantly felt like I’m losing her, I’m losing her, I’m losing her — and I did.
The saying goes “Someone will want to be with you too.” However, in my whole life, no one has wanted to be with me, not a single person has asked me to be with them — and the two relationships I’ve had, I had to ask them to be with me. I should be as hopeless a person could be, and yet, this heart hopes, and it might just be one of the most useless things in the world.
It’s been a day. I live with this borrowed time, which doesn’t feel mine any more than she does.
It’s so selfish that I make this about me. This day, like many others, I only had to interact with a few people, and I’m glad for it. My throat is dry and words are barely there to even say anything to anyone but there is something to say.
2 hours ago, I spotted two cats, who I have always seen together, with a kitten, I’m guessing 10 days of age. The kitten was glued to her mother all the time or trying to when the mother moved. Except for this one moment, the kitten walked up to me and sat closely next to my feet.
It has been a long time coming — I realised, tomorrow is for the kitten.
The kitten has their whole life to live, and I want them to be healthy, happy, playful, well-fed and meet good people and live.
I’m not old and probably have many years to live and because this feels borrowed, I know what I can still do. I’m far from normal, and so it be, but I can be normal to my parents, my siblings, my friends, to Jamun and Belly, to all I come across and I’m often mean without reason, to all.
Because she, who I had to leave,
She is lovely. She is caring, intelligent, funny, warm, and the strongest person I know. I do not say it to her often that I do wish life gives her everything she wants including the person she can love and who loves her because she means the world. She’s everything.
My heart is tired. Tomorrow is not for me, it is for her.
——————————————————
First published on 10 July 2024