I’m 28 years of age now and this life I’m living feels painful and lovely and like a memory from when I was 21, when I was 22.
This is how I learned to understand emotions: mind, body, action.
List the stream of thoughts, describe how my body is physically feeling, and what do I do to get through this feeling.
On most days, I get through the uncomfortable feelings or any strong feeling by lying down on the floor. It works wonderfully. My recent past memory of this is when I would come home from college, keep down the bag, change clothes, and go to the kitchen floor to lie down. It felt instinctive and right. At first, I was asked why am I lying down? Then I was suggested to lie down on the bed. Then I was left alone.
I can feel my mind and body and feelings all settling down, like talking to each other and accommodating each other. I felt home. I felt home by being with myself. So I have shifted houses, moved away from friends, left lovers and familiar neighbourhoods, and no matter where I am, when I’m by myself, I always feel home.
I met a person like me before I knew all of this. She walked by herself, she felt so much herself, I have not seen any person before her who looked together in mind, body, and feelings.
None of this means or felt, that she is okay, or she accepts every part of her, or she doesn’t feel incomplete, or she has figured it all out.
All it seemed was — she felt at rest, at ease with herself. Whether she was okay or not, she didn’t ignore herself. A person, so much like every other person I have met, simple, brilliant, full of life, and yet she could not be anyone but herself.
When I walked with her, I walked a little with her and a little without her, and so often I didn’t walk, I stood still and watched. It was then I realised how beautiful it is to be myself. I was 21, so full of life, and despite heartaches, family issues, and uncertain future, I heard her — not in words, but in her eyes — life is going to be good. It will be lonely, it will be painful, and yet it would be kind, lovely and worth it.
When I was 22, I met her with a different face. She was still herself, even though half a decade older.
If this feels like a love story, it felt like it to me too. Though there was no love, there was no yearning, or a feeling. I learned this years later when I learned to understand emotions.
When I was 23, I fell in love. When I was 25, I fell in love again. Probably some memories to reminisce about a different time.
I’m 28 now, standing still, accomodating mind, body and feelings.
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First published on 9 June 2024